Again we play the same songs, and the memories find their little ways to bring tears to my eyes, and the scenery is as it was all those years ago, we're just missing the piece of ourselves that we lost last September. I returned from a five day trip to Oklahoma almost two weeks ago now. It has taken this long to siphon through the overwhelming emotions that being there threw upon me with ferocity. It hurts and not a little but it hurts like hell. Even after a year has passed I still found myself crying like I had the day I got the phone call. I found myself gawking at my urge to scream viciously at the top of my lungs in anger. Awestruck by the overwhelming power that a loss has over you. In all of the familiar places without that familiar face. I miss him, I miss my baby cousin so much. I think of him everyday & I cry on most, at least a little. No headstone marking his place, just the small silver and brass plate the funeral home left. They say it must be difficult for my Aunt and Uncle to pick out a headstone for their baby, they pity their pain. I understand to an extent but it's been a year and now I'm furious, he deserves to have a headstone. Even though time had passed since the last time I had been in that place and there was no far off visible marker for his grave I found it quickly, like I was being drawn there. And the bastard with no remorse, the one that was recklessly driving the car that wrecked and did not only take my cousin Brian's life but the life of Dustin Lyles a 13 year old boy. How can you have no remorse, no pain over what you have done. To be so vicious. Whatever. I know this journal if full of a bitter heart and malcontent but it comes and goes. I'll be fine in coming weeks. I think I have finally accepted the fact that I am just never going to get over this. Never, for the rest of my life I will think about him, I will miss him, and I will cry over him. It's never going to go away. It will just become easier to live with. I'll learn to cope with it and the pain will decrease but it will never completely subside. Life goes on, you just have to appreciate the time you're given. I appreciate now what I took for granted then. You never think that the ones you love will die so young. I will not be making this mistake anymore.

"Missing you again."